I don’t like birds…

I don’t like birds…

Folks, we have a situation over here. As you may well be aware, I hate birds. Well, I don’t really have a problem with them as long as they are not anywhere near me (although, strangely enough, I make exceptions for things like birds of prey demonstrations, which should probably be most concerning for a person worried that birds are going to attack her, and also peacocks that roam around a park/zoo/farm,etc, though I still like to keep a healthy distance). No, I didn’t have some traumatic childhood experience of being chased by a goose, or attacked by some other winged spawn of Satan, but that doesn’t mean it couldn’t still happen. Have you seen Hitchcock’s The Birds? I haven’t, mostly because I think I would be too terrified to leave my house afterwards, but I imagine it involves a lot of birds pecking out eyes and such…(being the thorough researcher that I am, I just googled The Birds to make sure the plot really did involve birds attacking people; I wish I hadn’t. You know where the story takes place? Bodega Bay, CA. Do you know how far that is from me? Google Maps says a little over 2 hrs. I know that it was a fictional story, BUT. What if it happened? What if they came inland?? Great, now I have to stress about masses of killer birds attacking our apartment complex…).

SO, what do I stumble upon in the stairwell at my apartment complex that leads to the parking garage?? THIS, y’all. THIS.

bird
Zoomed in shot from halfway down the stairs because of course I don’t want to be in too close proximity to the devil bird especially when I’m staring at it/trying to take a picture, because what if it gets mad and tries to chase me away?

 

Of course, like any rational, sane adult, I started researching mourning doves. Obviously, I need to know how long they have to sit on their eggs and how long the babies hang out in the nest before they leave. Much to my surprise and delight, incubation time is only about 14 days and the time the babies spend in the nest is also only about 15 days. Which means that it’ll only be about a month (right? the bird wouldn’t be sitting there if she hasn’t already laid eggs, right??) of me nearly running to race past the nest, avoiding eye contact, and giving as wide a berth around the nest as possible in the narrow stairwell landing. A month isn’t so bad, as long as nobody is ever around when I skirt past the bird/spawn of Satan spawning more spawns (because they might get the wrong impression that I am slightly off my rocker…)

Yesterday, when Derrick and I got home from the grocery store, I tried to convince him to take the elevator instead of the stairs, because, arms laden with groceries, my ability to flee would definitely be hampered, so it seemed risky to take the stairs. He said no to the elevator (because he apparently doesn’t care if I get my eyes pecked out; joke’s on him though, because if that did happen, he’d be the one having to take care of me for the rest of my life with my bird-pecked eyes) so naturally I made him go up the stairs first. Let him get his eyes pecked out while I run to safety. Somehow, we emerged from the stairwell unscathed. But we have a few more weeks to go in Killer Bird Attack Watch 2015, so I’m not getting too cocky about it.

Derrick also feels bad for the stupid bird because he thinks people will mess with it/the nest (the nest which is like 4 twigs so maybe the bird doesn’t really care about her babies because she certainly didn’t put very much effort into nest-building) but I think if the bird is too stupid to build its nest somewhere safe, that isn’t my problem.

This whole situation is, literally and figuratively, for the birds…

PS-Wikipedia had this to say about the lackadaisical nest-building “The nest is constructed of twigs, conifer needles, or grass blades, and is of flimsy construction” So I guess mourning doves are just lazy/not very good at making nests.

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